One wedding,A stripper and some needless bloddshed
by gabriel ricard
Summary: Number eight in the FF7 series with the wedding of the century and more unpleasent surprises then the first day of high school!


Final Fantasy 7-#8 

__

One Wedding, a stripper, and some needless bloodshed

Written By Gabe Ricard

Here is the latest addition in the FF7 series which to date is my favorite fan fic I've written yet. A couple of quick pointless notes here. The first note is a very egotistical plug to go read Krista Peters two stories one a well written romance story and the second a _Crow_ fan fic that is still being worked on but is available to read at this point. The final note is that I have been thinking for a long time and am thinking about quitting fan fiction for a number of reasons. One being that I have accomplished everything I wanted to do when I started writing fan fics. I've been published on RPGamer.com, The FF7 series which I always wanted to publish has had some minor success that is still well beyond my expectations such as a combined 800 hits and around 30 or so positive reviews. Any suggestions on whether or not you'd like to see more of my FF7 stuff as well as some other fan fics published would be welcomed at [darksideblues_666@hotmail.com][1]. Thanks for reading and enjoy.

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Cid. "You're getting married?!"

"Yep," replied Cloud grinning with an arm around Aeris.

"This…isn't…f..a…i..r…" whimpered Tifa for the 75th time her face buried in her arms.

"Ha ha! Aeris beat you! Aeris beat you! You must feel REALLY shitty right now!" taunted Yuffie pointing a finger at Tifa.

Tifa stood straight up, clutched Yuffie by the throat, and turned to everyone. "I'll be right back." With that she changed her grip on Yuffie to her hair and dragged her the room next to the arcade machine.

"Boy that can't feel good." Commented Cait Sith hearing the sound of a blunt heavy object smashing against human flesh.

"So when's the wedding?" asked Red XIII after devoting a minute to chuckling.

"A week from today," replied Cloud the stupid grin still on his face.

At that moment Barret sat up and placed 500 gil on the table. 

"What's that for?" asked Cloud.

"I had my money on Tifa." 

At that moment Cid and Cait Sith all placed similar amounts of gil on the table and returned to their spots still grumbling.

"I had my money on Aeris," grinned Gabe grabbing the money off the table and giving portions of it to everyone who had bet on Aeris.

"Of course you did god dammit you're the fucking author!" cried Cid.

"Damn right."

Aeris giggled and turned to Cloud, "Cloud we have some errands to run. We should get going."

"Good idea honey," replied Cloud kissing Aeris on the forehead the getting up and walking out of the bar with her.

"I have some shopping to do as well," said Shera standing up "Barret, as you requested I'll take Marlene along to buy her some clothes." Also, Tifa and Yuffie are supposed to come with me so when their done tell them I left already."

"Don't bother we're ready to go," said Tifa emerging from the room and following Shera out with a bruised and bloody Yuffie in tow.

"Okay," said Cid standing up and jumping on top of the table. "Now that the women folk are gone we can get down to talking about the most important aspect of any given wedding."

"And that would be?" asked Vincent.

"THE BACHELOR PAAAAAAAAARTTTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY." Cried Cid throwing his arms up in he air.

"Thank you and I'm sure the people at Icicle Inn where glad to know about it," said Vincent who was sitting right next to where Cid was standing.

"Heyyyy….yea….that's a pretty damn good idea," exclaimed Barret rubbing his chin while everyone else slowly nodded in agreement.

"Good! Let's head to my house so we can start planning!"

"Ok." Agreed Gabe. "But only if we don't have to hear that stupid fucking talking bass on your wall. I swear to god if I have to hear _Pretty Fishy_ ONE more damn time…." 

****

Elsewhere

"A bachelorette party…that is a good idea," remarked Yuffie still limping.

"I know," said Shera smiling, "Tifa what do you think?" Tifa replied by looking up and shooting Shera one of the most evil glares in recorded history. "Oh…yea….sorry." Shera sighed and walked a little ways ahead.

****

Even farther elsewhere

"Master, we're in trouble," sighed Steve Allen.

"Don't you think I know that?" snapped a reply from the shadows. "With Al Gore and Joe Lieberman dead, we have no one to put in office that we can use to control everything people might like."

"So, what are we going to do?" asked Steve Allen.

"We're going to find the two responsible for this and make them pay!" the voice emerged from the shadows to reveal the hideous face of L. Brent. Brozell. "Did you find out their names and where they live?"

"Their names are Yuffie Kisaragi and Vincent Valentine and they live in the city of Midgar." 

"Good, assemble our army of evil and we will pay them a visit and then you and myself will take Al and Joe's place in the presidential election so that we MAY RULE THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY!" As he said this his eyes popped out and he let out a long, annoying laugh which Steve Allen joined in a moment later.

****

And over at Cid's house…

"I was wondering," said Gabe as everyone sat around Cids living room planning the bachelor party.

"No we don't think your gay anymore. That was just the first time we all met you," said Cid looking over ideas on the white board they where using for ideas.

"I was wondering….don't you think we should be helping Cid with more important aspects of the wedding?" he asked ignoring Cid. Everyone responded by turning around looking at Gabe as if he was on something. "Okay…okay stupid question Jesus." 

"All right," continued Cid, "We've got a list of everyone that'll be there. What else?"

"The stripper," piped Cait Sith.

"Figured you'd remember that," remarked Gabe. "Who should we get to be Cloud's stripper?"

"I know who."

"Who did you have in mind Barret?"

Barret grinned, "I bet Tifa would do it?"

"There's no fucking way!" replied Cid.

"He's got a point," said Red XIII. "Tifa would love the chance to hold something like that over Aeris's head even if she could never tell her about it."

"See? Even Cat-Dog agrees with me."

"Fine! We'll put Tifa on the list for stripper. Who will ask her?"

"I will," said Gabe quickly

"Good, and if we can get Tifa down as the stripper then we can hold it at the bar and wont have to worry about a steady supply of alcohol, chips. Pretzels and music."

"We better head back to the bar before the girls get back and suspect something."

Cid nodded and lit another cigarette as Avalanche and Gabe walked out of Cids house to make a quick return to Midgar.

****

Next Day

"I have a feeling this is going to be incredibly painful," said Cloud.

"You and me both," agreed Barret sitting with Cloud, Aeris, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Vincent, and Yuffie.

"Which band is next?" asked Aeris.

"Um….The…shit….The Archies," groaned Cloud looking at a sheet of paper.

"I thought they where dead," said Vincent.

"Apparently not," replied Red XIII as the Archies walked in and began playing. A moment later the stage shot over 250,000 volts throughout the stage killing everyone on it.

"What the hell was that?!" cried Cloud.

"This thing Cid put on the stage to kill any band that sucks." 

"Wow. Cid makes something that isn't a piece of shit. Will wonders ever cease?"

"With this thing we should be able to pick a kick ass band in no time at all!"

****

Four hours later

"Ewww Daddy one of the eyes fell onto my lap," whined Marlene.

"God I never thought I'd be disgusted to watch KISS die." Said Cait Sith.

"We should really clean up these bodies. It's starting to make Cid's house smell."

"No worse then usual," replied Vincent.

"We've got one band left, lets go." Everyone quieted down as Bonnie Rait walked onto the stage.

"This will be quick," mumbled Cloud. A moment later Bonnie Rait was singing and to the surprise of many she was not electrocuted.

"Why isn't Bonnie Rait dead yet?"

"I just thought of something, does this thing kill bands that suck are bands that Cid thinks suck?"

"So this means that Cid is a Bonnie Rait fan," concluded Barret trying with inhuman strength not to laugh. A moment later the stage became a huge ball of electricity killing Bonnie Rait. When she hit the ground Cloud went back to his seat and put the Bolt 3 Materia away.

"Now what are we gonna do?" asked Yuffie.

"Don't worry about entertainment, I can get my great uncle to come and do his stand up comedy. We can just get one of those music machines that play wedding themes," said Aeris

"You have a uncle?!" asked Cloud in shock

"Yes. On moms side of the family."

"Ahhhhhh!!! What the fuck did you do to my house!?!" cried Cid walking in

"YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?!?!?!" cried Tifa standing behind the counter at the _7th Heaven_.

"Be Cloud's stripper at his bachelor party," repeated Gabe.

"THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST HUMILIATING, DEGRADING AND PERVERSE THINGS YOU COULD EVER ASK A FRIEND!! I JUST CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THE NERVE OF YOU MEN!!!!!"

"So will you do it?"

"Yes."

Gabe stomped his foot, "Aw..come on Tifa! Don't be such a-what?"

"I said I'll do it. This could be my one last chance to get a shot in at Aeris before she…." Tifa stopped to choke on the words, "Marries Cloud. What time is the party?"

"Tomorrow at eight."

"And I suppose you'll be using this as an excuse to use the bar."

"Yep."

"Fine. I'll be there."

"Good. At some point before tomorrow Cid will let you know the plans for what we're going to do."

"Where are they now?"

"I have no idea where Cid is but everyone else is interviewing bands for the wedding." Tifa nodded and turned to her right as a customer came to the counter. Gabe watched how truly sad Tifa was and at the moment, wanted to leap over the counter, embrace her and tell her everything would be all right. However bad results with similar experiences caused Gabe to turn and walk out of the bar.

****

Next Day

"Ha ha! I kick ass!" Cid cackled in triumph throwing his hands in the air.

"You used the fucking Game Shark didn't you?!?! You cheating son of a bitch!!'

Cid lit a cigarette and snickered at Cait Sith. "I can't help it if you suck." Before Cait Sith could continue his profanity laced tirade Cloud came down on the elevator. "Come on guys we gotta go get tuxes."

"So I guess that gets rid of your nude wedding fantasy," replied Cid.

Clouds eyes widened, "SHUT UP CID. OR ILL TELL SHERA WHY HER PHONE BILL IS SO HIGH" whispered Cloud elbowing Cid in the stomach while he walked towards the elevator.

"Thanks for looking for wedding dresses for me," smiled Aeris looking through a seemingly endless array of dresses of every type.

"No problem," replied Shera. "I'm just happy to have more than three lines in this fan fic." Shera picked up a dress and showed it to Aeris, "How about this one?"

Aeris examined it for a moment then shook her head, "nah." 

"How about this one?" asked Tifa holding up an incredibly short dress "It's perfect for you."

"It looks like something a three cent slut would wear," replied Aeris.

"Like I said, it's perfect for you." Aeris glared and stormed ahead.

Shera turned to Tifa, "Even I'll admit she walked into that one." Tifa smiled sinisterly as Shera caught up with Aeris.

"This dress looks perfect," she thought picking out a dress and thinking about how much she would get back at Aeris later tonight.

"This is going more perfect by the minute."

"Yea….Shera throwing a bachelorette at your house makes things pretty sweet." Agreed Gabe walking through the tuxedo store with everyone except Cloud who was being fitted. 

"So what's the plan?" asked Vincent.

"Gabe and Barret will distract Cloud by taking him to a movie and we'll set up here. Simple as that," replied Cid.

"And Tifa?"

"The old girl-in-the-fake cake trick will work just fine."

Cait Sith shook his head; "It's almost frightening how much though you have put into this."

"You got a problem with it?"

"Nope I'm seeing Tifa naked so I'm happy."

"What about seeing Tifa naked?" asked a confused Cloud returning with a tux

Cids eyes widened, "Cloud! Ummm….Caits just gonna try and set up a web cam in Tifa's shower again that's all."

"Oh….hey send me a copy if you get through."

"But you're getting married in a few days!!" cried everyone.

Cloud shrugged, "Yea, but I regret never seeing Tifa naked…. should have nailed her when I had the chance…oh well. You guys ready?"

"Sure," replied Gabe. "Hey Cloud…didn't you want to see _Whipped_ really badly?"

"Yea."

"Barret and I are gonna go catch it right now you want in?"

"Sure," Cloud nodded and walked out with Gabe and Barret.

Cid turned to the others who where still stunned at what Cloud had said, "Like I said…all too perfect."

****

That Night

"I'm telling you, I know I saw Amanda Peet in a porn once!"

"I highly doubt it Barret," replied Cloud rolling his eyes.

"She could be in porn," mused Gabe walking up the steps to the bar with Cloud and Barret.

"No question there," agreed Cloud pushing the door open and nearly falling over at what he saw.

"SURPRISE!!!"

Cloud looked around and saw Steve Austin, Mick Foley, Kid Rock, Rob Zombie, The Undertaker, Fei, Citan, Rico, Bart and, Billy as well as Bruce Willis, Trent Reznor, ICP and Jay and Silent Bob.

"Wha….wha …what the hell is this?!"

"Your bachelor party!" grinned Gabe helping him up.

"One last night of freedom foo!" agreed Barret patting him on the back and handing him a a beer.

****

Meanwhile….

"Everything is ready master, we can leave in four hours," said Steve Allen.

"Excellent," replied L.Brent.Brozell. "Soon everyone will know the might of the PTC!"

"This is great!" said Cloud nearly three hours later, slamming down his 8th beer.

"WHOOOO I'M HARDCORE!! I'M HARDCORE!!!" Everyone looked up to see Gabe who had just had his 15th beer and wearing his KOCN belt, jump off the counter and crashing through a table.

"No more beer for him," said Stone Cold looking over Gabe.

Cid shook his head and turned to Cloud, "The night ain't over yet cause we got a biiiiiiiiiiigggggggg surprise for you!" At that moment a huge cake was slowly wheeled into the room. After three rounds of a horribly sung, liquor-laden version of he's a jolly good fellow; the cake burst open to reveal Tifa.

Tifa grinned, "Hey Cloud!" Cloud said nothing only falling into a chair his eyes and mouth wide open. "This is a little something to remember me by!" At that moment Tifa began slowly dancing and loosening her top when she slowly raised her shirt up to reveal her luscious, perfect shaped-

"Wow! Wait till Aeris hears about this!" thought Yuffie wildly. "It's amazing what you discover when you come back just to pick up some liquor. Yuffie giggled wildly as she jumped back on the gold choccobo and sped off back to Rocket Town.

****

Rocket Town: Twenty minutes later

"She what?!" screamed Aeris standing with Elly, Emerelda, Maria, Chu and others.

"This isn't good," remarked Elly.

Aeris turned to Shera her eyes wild, "Does Cid have that new smaller airship in the back yard?"

"I think so…can we come and watch you kick Tifa's ass?" Aeris didn't reply and stormed out with everyone in tow.

"Damn, I'm getting tired," thought Tifa who was still dancing. A moment later the door burst open and everyone turned around to see Aeris and the other ladies.

"Ahhhhh the women folk!! Run!!" everyone began running in different directions then stopped as Aeris oblivious to all of them leaped up and speared Tifa to the ground and began pounding her in the face with lefts and rights. Tifa was able to get her bearings together and swung a left cracking Aeris's jaw. Tifa grabbed Aeris by the hair and threw her outside and leaped after her while everyone else stumbled outside to watch.

"This shit rocks yo!" grinned Jay to Silent Bob slamming back the last of the vodka and passing out. Silent Bob looked down at Jay then returned to watching the battle.

"That's enough!" roared a voice. Tifa and Aeris stopped trading punches for a moment and looked up to see a tank with the words PTC on the side roll right next to the bar. Before anyone could say a word the back of the tank opened and Steve Allen and L.Brent Brozell walked out.

"Who the fuu..heh heh..f..u..c..k are you?" slurred Cloud.

"We are the only reasonable voices in the madness and evilness that is the entertainment industry," replied Brozell. "We where here to take two people away but seeing how morally corrupt all of you are and knowing all you are stars in some way." He stopped and looked at Gabe who was making out with the left side of the tank, "Except him, and we can't have any of you corrupting our children and destroying the moral fibers of our country! So in order to kill all of you I will unleash my greatest weapon: An army of zombified, self-righteous Christian fundamentalists!!!!"

"Aeris threw Tifa back and realized the only sober ones where Mick Foley, herself, Tifa and Shera and knew they where in trouble as Cloud fell back while trying to pull out his sword.

****

Next Morning

Gabe lifted his head up and groaned as an intense hangover hit him the moment he lifted his head up. He sat up and tried to look around but couldn't as he realized his face was caked with dry blood. He stood up and looked around and saw that the bar looked like a warzone. 

"Hey your awake." 

"Cait Sith, what happened last night?"

"We managed to kill the PTC despite drunken stupor. We then partied till 5 am after Cloud was able to feed Aeris a pill that would make her forget everything that happened last night."

"How can you remember all this? You drank even more alcohol then I did."

"I was built with a mechanism that lets me drink as much as I want without getting intoxicated."

"How I envy you. Where's everyone else?"

"Errands, you and me have been put in charge of cleaning up the bar while everyone is gone."

"Figures," grumbled Gabe who grabbed a broom and started sweeping.

"Mails here!" called Shera later that day throwing a stack of mail on the counter while everyone clamored over to it to see if anything had come for them.

Vincent handed Cid a package, "Here this came for you from the Bonnie Rait fan club." Cid replied by snatching the package away and running away as fast as possible.

"Gee I wonder whose subscriptions to every porn magazine on the planet came," said Aeris. Cait Sith grinned and snatched the stack away and hopped away.

"Hey Cloud, this letter came for you from….New Nibleham?!"

"Really?" asked Cloud in surprise. "Let me see it." Cloud took the letter from Shera and opened it and read it for nearly a second before his jaw dropped and he handed it to Aeris.

"Oh my god, you're the new mayor of New Nibleham?!"

"How the hell did he do that? He didn't even run for mayor!"

"Apparently they just threw a bunch of names in a hat and yours was the one they pulled out." Aeris looked back down at the letter; "There's more, Myself and anyone else I want get to live in the newly rebuilt and refurbished Shinra mansion!"

"Sweet! No more sleeping on the floor!" exclaimed Gabe.

"This is great! When do we move in?"

"Two days after the wedding."

"Nibleham is in big trouble," was all Barret could say as Cloud and Aeris went to see the priest who happened to be Bugenhagen.

****

Wedding Day!!!

"Damn do I ever look good in a tux," grinned Gabe looking himself over in the mirror.

"Hey Gabe where's Cloud? We gotta go now." Gabe turned around to see Barret, Cid, Vincent, Red XIII and, Cait Sith.

"In the next room, I'll go get him." Gabe took one last look at himself in the mirror and opened the door to see Cloud doing the same. "Hey Cloud, it's time. Ya nervous?"

Cloud thought for a moment, "Actually no, I am quite relaxed."

"Awww come on…aren't you just a little bit scared?"

"Nope."

"Are you sure I mean this is the rest of your life here!"

"I'm sure."

"Come on…just a little b-"

"NO GOD DAMN IT I'M PERFECTLY AT FUCKING EASE!!!!"

"Good, lets go." Cloud glared and walked out behind Gabe.

"Weddings are so..so…beautiful…wahhhhhhhhhhh"

"Yuffie…..Shut the hell up!" snapped Cait Sith looking around for another seat in the church where the wedding was being held but found that it was packed to capacity.

"Ho ho hooooooo," laughed Bugenhaggen. "If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed let them speak now or forever hold your peace." Tifa was about to launch into a long speech but was elbowed in the stomach by Elmyra and quickly resumed her seat.

"Then, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband….and…w….i…….f….."

"JUST GET ON WITH IT! Screamed Cloud and Aeris in unison.

"Okay…okay….Husband and wife…ho ho hoooooooooo. You may no kiss the bride." Cloud smiled and leaned back, kissing Aeris his wife for what seemed like an eternity.

"So where's your lame ass Uncle who's supposed to be our entertainment?" asked Cid to Aeris and Cloud who where now dancing at the wedding reception which was being held in the room behind the church.

"He's right behind you you chain smoking, redneck asshole."

"Oh my god! Your Uncle is George Carlin?!" exclaimed Cid.

"Yep," smiled Aeris.

"I…I'm sorry…Mr.Carlin sir..I'm a huge fan!"

"Sure you are. Now get out of my way Daisy Duke I'm here to do a show for my Neices wedding." Cid attempted to reply but before he could George Carlin shoved him back and jumped up on stage."

"I have no idea what I was thinking THERE," laughed Gabe referring to his idea to make George Carlin Aeris's great uncle. Shrugging it off since few read the fan fic anyway Gabe went to get himself a piece of cake and stopped as he saw Sephiroth standing at the table staring at the cake. "Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth bolted around, his face and upper body covered in cake, "I've become one with the cake!!! Hahahahahahahahah…the world is mine!!!"

"Forget to take our thorzine today?" asked Gabe.

"I have achieved cakevanna!!! Nothing can stop me now!! Hahahahahah" Sephiroth continued his laughter as he shot straight up through the ceiling and disappeared into the evening sky.

"Um….yea….." Gabe glanced over and noticed Aeris and Cloud ducking out and smiled walked over to the buffet table to eat all the lobster rolls.

End.

Yea I know that sucked….No boring announcements here since I took care of them at the beginning of the story. Thanks for reading and review if you feel like it.

   [1]: mailto:darksideblues_666@hotmail.com



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